Ron
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Post by Ron on Sept 14, 2019 16:32:47 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Sept 15, 2019 0:32:48 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Sept 15, 2019 23:22:25 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Sept 16, 2019 20:35:43 GMT
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DiscoDes
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Post by DiscoDes on Sept 18, 2019 12:43:55 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Sept 26, 2019 19:47:04 GMT
Why I Like Retirement !
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
And, my very favorite.... QUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest. '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' SERENITY Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.... 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it? | |
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked... She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' | | The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them. | | I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. | | My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. | | Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. | | It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. | | These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.' | | THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Sept 27, 2019 21:30:54 GMT
OLD AGE THINKING.
LYING AROUND, PONDERING THE PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD, I REALIZED THAT AT MY AGE I DON'T REALLY GIVE A RAT'S ASS ANYMORE.
IF WALKING IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH, THE POSTMAN WOULD BE IMMORTAL.
A WHALE SWIMS ALL DAY, ONLY EATS SHRIMP, AND DRINKS WATER, BUT IS STILL FAT.
A RABBIT RUNS AND HOPS AND ONLY LIVES 15 YEARS, WHILE A TORTOISE DOESN'T RUN AND DOES MOSTLY NOTHING, YET IT LIVES FOR 150 YEARS. AND THEY TELL US TO EXERCISE? I DON'T THINK SO. NOW THAT I'M OLDER, HERE'S WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED:
1. I STARTED OUT WITH NOTHING, AND I STILL HAVE MOST OF IT.
2. MY WILD OATS ARE MOSTLY ENJOYED WITH PRUNES AND ALL-BRAN.
3. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.
4. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.
5. IF ALL IS NOT LOST, THEN WHERE THE HECK IS IT?
6. IT WAS A WHOLE LOT EASIER TO GET OLDER THAN IT WAS TO GET WISER.
7. SOME DAYS, YOU'RE THE TOP DOG, SOME DAYS YOU'RE THE HYDRANT.
8. I WISH THE BUCK REALLY DID STOP HERE, I SURE COULD USE A FEW OF THEM.
9. KIDS IN THE BACKSEAT CAUSE ACCIDENTS.
10. ACCIDENTS IN THE BACK SEAT CAUSE KIDS.
11. IT IS HARD TO MAKE A COMEBACK WHEN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE.
12. THE WORLD ONLY BEATS A PATH TO YOUR DOOR WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM.
13. IF GOD WANTED ME TO TOUCH MY TOES, HE'D HAVE PUT THEM ON MY KNEES.
14. WHEN I'M FINALLY HOLDING ALL THE RIGHT CARDS, EVERYONE WANTS TO PLAY CHESS.
15. IT IS NOT HARD TO MEET EXPENSES . . . THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.
16. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RUT AND A GRAVE IS THE DEPTH.
17. THESE DAYS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT THE HEREAFTER . . . I GO SOMEWHERE TO GET SOMETHING, AND THEN WONDER WHAT I'M "HERE AFTER."
18. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.
19. IT IS A LOT BETTER TO BE SEEN THAN VIEWED.
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Sept 27, 2019 21:59:58 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Sept 29, 2019 10:23:24 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Sept 29, 2019 12:04:00 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Oct 1, 2019 19:41:29 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Oct 2, 2019 16:13:51 GMT
Top Ten Questions that Make You Go Huh?
How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? What happens if you get scared to death twice? If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2? If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If you write a book about failure, and it doesn't sell, is it a success? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry? If Superman is so smart, why does he wear underpants over his trousers? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? If you boil brown rice it goes white why does white rice not go brown when boiled?
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Oct 4, 2019 19:11:39 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Oct 6, 2019 12:50:03 GMT
THE OBEDIENT WIFE
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real 'miser' when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'
And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,
'Wait just a moment!'
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not foolish but to put all that money in there with your husband.'
The loyal wife replied, 'Listen, I'm a Christian; I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'
You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'
'I sure did,' said the wife. 'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.... If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'
Send this to every clever female you know, and to every man who thinks they are smarter than women!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Council Tenants Complaints.
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.
23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Oct 10, 2019 16:32:57 GMT
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale '. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young..I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says. 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'
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