The Humourous Thread

[Scylla]

Excellent, Kenny, if frightening

scylla

[ken]

Subject: A Christmas Tradition


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

[Scylla]

[jerryrm]

I didn't know that either, Ken !! The things that we learn on the internet.

[ken]

How to cook a turkey. ( for Scylla ) x





Step 1: Go buy a turkey

Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey, scotch, or JD

Step 3: Put turkey in the oven

Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey

Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens

Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink

Step 7: Turn oven the on

Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky

Step 9: Turk the bastey

Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get

Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer

Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey

Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours

Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey

Step 16: Floor the turkey up off the pick

Step 17: Turk the carvey

Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch

Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey

Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out!

[Scylla]

that used to be my curry cooking method, hence abstinence now rules

[jimmybat]

a very old christmas joke

2 snowmen talking and one said to the other ...
do you smell carrots

James

[Scylla]

Doh!

[magicma]

MM

[ken]

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!


A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him,
and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order. The
man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a Coke," and turns to the
ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A
short time later, the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
£3.40, please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out
exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come
to the restaurant again, and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger,
fries and a Coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once
again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will
have a steak, baked potato and salad," the man says. "Same for me,"
says the ostrich. A short time later, the waitress comes with the
order and says, "That will be £8.62." Once again, the man pulls
exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of
your pocket every time?" "Well," the man says, "several years ago, I
was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a
Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I
ever had to pay for anything, I could just put my hand in my pocket,
and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" the waitress says. "Most people would wish for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of
milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," the man says.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with
long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[ken]

SIPPING VODKA
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Scylla]

[magicma]

[Scylla]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up
a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be
over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies.. They apologized to the
old man and left.

That next day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

[magicma]

Like that one Scyll! MM