* I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
* After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Dave woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
* Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
* IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY".
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!
* A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies,f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?
* Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!
* The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
* I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
* My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault I should have taken them off.
* I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.
* After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"
* I woke up this morning at 8 am, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30 am.
* Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
* The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
* My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"
