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Dad sends little Jimmy down to the paper shop to get some tobacco for his pipe. "Get the Rising Sun baccy Jimmy" he tells him. So Jimmy plods off down the road into the shop, where there is a gorgeous young lady behind the counter, wearing a skimpy short dress. "Rising Sun tobacco for me dad please" he says. She scans the tobacco display, and scratches her head in puzzlement. She says "I can't see it, it must be on the upper shelves. I'll get the ladder" and walks off into the back of the shop. Returning a moment later, she puts a stepladder against the display and starts climbing, and Jimmy gets a front row view of her derriere in her very short mini-skirt. She then says, "Are you sure it's Rising Sun?" Jimmy says, "I don't know, but it sure throbs a lot"
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside the Social Security Offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --PING!!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.
PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.
'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the English.'
PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to sweet f*** all like the rest of us”.
A bloke applies for a job in a general store. Boss says, “Let me show you how it's done."
A customer comes in & asks for a packet of grass seed. The shopkeeper says, "Sir, when the grass grows you will need some shears & after that you will need a lawn mower." The customer says, "Thank you very much, i hadn't thought of that." The customer leaves having spent over £200.
The shopkeeper turns to the applicant & says, "See that's how it's done, the next customer is yours if you make a sale the jobs yours.."
Customer walks in approaches him and says, "I would like a box of Tampax." bloke replies, "Would you like a lawnmower as well sir?" The man asks, "Why would i want a ****ing lawnmower?"
bloke says, "Well look at it this way sir your weekend is knackered, so you might as well cut the grass."
Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me." His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed. On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me." The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by one, then started on hers. He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul...
and all these years you've been playing off the f**king ladies' tees!"