Have you reached that age?

[leftfield]

// After a really bad what seems like months, I've recently found something amusing I'd like to rant about from work. I dont mean to offend in any way. //

There is an age in everyone's life, should they be fortunate enough to reach it, where they gain these uncanny abilities. It is my goal in life in reach this age; it is the age when you are permitted to wear the old man's cloth hat and not a day before or there may be outcries of unsightly fashion malfunctions or breaking the outfit timeline paradox or something. Upon receiving this hat, you are granted superhuman inconvenience powers that continue to amaze and baffle me as they defy all logic I have ever known. To anyone that has reached the age where cloth hats and purple knitted vests are perfectly acceptable attire, please enlighten me as to how these super powers of inconvenience work.

I often find while attending to my duties as a janitor in a supermarket that men and women from the cloth hat and purple knitted vest entitlement age have the ability to single handedly block entire aisles all on their own. Often it only takes a sideways trolley left at their side as they ponder for what seems an eternity whether to buy one brand of custard powder over the other for the price difference of a single pence. I am denied my course of travel along the aisle they have chosen to abide in until such time as they have decided to slow down the entire space time continuum to reach down and delicately tremble their way down to pick up a single packet of custard powder as though it may explode and kill us at any moment, shakingly placing this bag of carefully considered custard into their trolley at a time breakingly slow pace - only to then start to consider the price of jam and other preserves in the exact same location so as to require no movement of the trolley barricade for another millenia.

I wonder if these super powered individuals also posess the ability to see through walls, as they always know to wait on me and me alone to ask questions. Questions such as, can you please reach the the last bottle of oasis that is on the bottom shelf, implying an inability to access such an item - I of course oblige without question and a smile despite the fact that they almost reached it when they pointed at it. However, it always seems to me that they had been there for a while, simply waiting to strike with the full force of their inconvenience power. I remember watching them block aisle 1 through to 7 single handledly, one aisle at a time, with only one aisle left to go to. Surely they couldn't have known I was soon to follow with my oversized dustpan and brush which looks as clown car novelty and useless as it performs to request such a service from me? Why did they wait for me alone with so many others to ask before I arrived unless they could see me through solid objects?

I believe, those of a certain age are blessed with the ability of "remote viewing" - quite possibly the zimmer frames they often use to block aisles with serve as some form of transmitter or enhancer for it. I say this, as any time I am asked to replenish the ever valuable gigantic toilet rolls in the toilets, there is not just one engaged toilet, but all of them are. Each cubical is off limits, as with any aisle containing anyone that has reached this enabled age. Worse though, than the aisles, is that the time continuum control forcing me to wait for as long as humanly possible is doubled with smell sorcery. Foul odours and sickly sweet perfume stenches waft through my arduous stay from unknown sources. All the while I am forced to heft piles of extra large super huge jumbo toilet rolls in each arm, unable to peg my nose with my fingers and myself too duty bound to simply leave. As each cubical shakily opens, allowing me to attend to my duties, someone over the zimmer frame weilding soft cap wearing age will be produced and continue to block my entry to the cubical for as long as is universally possible. Do they congregate as they foresaw my unfortunate charge to quest into such a perlious location as the public facilities?

I believe secret meetings are held, open to only those that have reached this age. I say this with utmost sincerity as quite often I have noted that certain times of certain days, swarms, clusters, natters of folk over this entitlement age descend upon the supermarket all at once - led proudly by the four mobility scooter men of the apocalypse. Not a single aisle left unblocked, not a single cubical left open and definitely not a single condiment considered extrenuously in great length. I see no other way for such a bombardment to have taken place other than secret meetings or another super power - telepathy! I never have seen one use a mobile phone, computer... even a simple landline. Telepathy must be the answer as to how they can organise themselves for such an organised blockade of my duties.

This is far from the only psychic ability I have observed I must say. I believe that those of a certain age activate the ability of hypnosis simply by walking infront of you. However, this is limited only to the queue system that is otherwise uncuttable by anyone of any other age, period. Should someone of a certain age nudge and mutter their way to the front of a very long queue to receive an expedited checkout, they are met without a single word of protest. I have never seen anyone else attempt such a brave feat, surely for fear of rioting and mass hysteria over such a preposterous act. I can only assume hypnosis is behind this miraculous ability.



Here is the hat style in question. I believe it is connected with these strange abilities and I am greatly looking forwards to recieving it upon such time as I reach this unspoken age.

Are you of this age and am I correct in my observations? Do the golden years refer to the mischief and inconvenience you are permitted to cause once you have attained these mystical powers? Who is the mysterious body behind granting such headwear only to those of a certain age? Please let me know

[Lee]

I have one of those hats but I'm a young 39. So far I have not attained any special super powers though. I really want the one where as an older person you can sail blindly through a junction in your car, without looking and escape unscathed. (Not looking forward to chest high trousers though.)

[Ellen]

LOL,
that was a great read thank you!
I have not yet reached this age but I look forward to it, to be able to behave as if I am as blissfully unaware as a child, but not to have my dessert taken away as punishment.
There has to be some reward to living for so long and I believe that being annoying without any consequences is that reward.

[Anne (fuzzy)]

[leftfield]

Jun 28, 2012 1:15:55 GMT Anne (fuzzy) said:

lol! The conspiracy deepens. Even victor mildrew has the secret hat

[Sandra (aka Chillax)]

I have aleays been that age

[lunerdog]

I'm Fine Thank You

There is nothing the matter with me
I'm as healthy as can be.
I have arthritis in both my knees
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze,
My pulse is weak and my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.
Arch supports I have for my feet,
Or I wouldn't be able to go on the street.
Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right,
My memory is failing, my head's in a spin
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.

The moral is this - as my tale I unfold,
That for you and me who are growing old,
It's better to say, "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let folks know the shape we're in.

How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well my 'get up and go' has got up and went.
But I don't really mind when I think with a grin,
Of all the grand places 'my get up' has been.

Old age is golden, I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder as I get into bed,
With my ears in the drawer, my teeth in the cup,
My eyes on the table until I wake up.
Ere sleep overtakes me, I think to myself
Is there anything else I could lay on the shelf?

When I was young, my slippers were red;
I could kick my heels right over my head.
When I got older, my slippers were blue;
But still I could dance the whole night through.
But now I am old, my slippers are black;
I walk to the store and puff my way back.

I get up each day and dust off my wits,
And pick up the paper and read the 'obits'.
If my name is still missing, I know I'm not dead -
So I have a good breakfast and go back to bed.

[ciar]

I am only a sprightly 40 but i have www.hatsandcaps.co.uk/Christys-Hats-Melton-Wool-Newsboy-Cap-P177771/

no magical powers yet ;-)

[DiscoDes]

Does this count?

[leftfield]

They're on to me. Today I was carrying 2 bags completely full of litter from the bins outside. They weigh almost as much as me and it's about 40 meters to carry them.

So, these two old chicks wheel two old guys in wheelchairs and block off the entrance to the staff area where the bin bags go. I mean like perfectly blocked off the way in and the way around so the main aisle is blocked two ways, an aisle to the side is blocked, the staff area is blocked. Then these two old chicks take an aisle each and block it off so there's four aisles and the staff entrance blocked off and I'm standing there trapped holding my own body weight in god knows what for ages because they seemed oblivious to what they were doing.

I'm going to be the best old person ever because I already know their secrets

[Bluefish]

Reached it ages ago...














cracking spiel there leffty #icon_rofl#

[nicky]

Definitely a bit of a theme going on here...............anyone else noticed?

[Bluefish]

It's alright it's ok, doesn't really matter if you're old and grey...

[Deleted]

I'll shave my head till my dying day before letting they grey show through

I'll certainly not be seen in a hat . I'm still only 25 you know .......... honest


Fantastic post again Leftie