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LYING AROUND, PONDERING THE PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD, I REALIZED THAT AT MY AGE I DON'T REALLY GIVE A RAT'S ASS ANYMORE.
IF WALKING IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH, THE POSTMAN WOULD BE IMMORTAL.
A WHALE SWIMS ALL DAY, ONLY EATS SHRIMP, AND DRINKS WATER, BUT IS STILL FAT.
A RABBIT RUNS AND HOPS AND ONLY LIVES 15 YEARS, WHILE A TORTOISE DOESN'T RUN AND DOES MOSTLY NOTHING, YET IT LIVES FOR 150 YEARS. AND THEY TELL US TO EXERCISE? I DON'T THINK SO. NOW THAT I'M OLDER, HERE'S WHAT I'VE DISCOVERED:
1. I STARTED OUT WITH NOTHING, AND I STILL HAVE MOST OF IT.
2. MY WILD OATS ARE MOSTLY ENJOYED WITH PRUNES AND ALL-BRAN.
3. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.
4. FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.
5. IF ALL IS NOT LOST, THEN WHERE THE HECK IS IT?
6. IT WAS A WHOLE LOT EASIER TO GET OLDER THAN IT WAS TO GET WISER.
7. SOME DAYS, YOU'RE THE TOP DOG, SOME DAYS YOU'RE THE HYDRANT.
8. I WISH THE BUCK REALLY DID STOP HERE, I SURE COULD USE A FEW OF THEM.
9. KIDS IN THE BACKSEAT CAUSE ACCIDENTS.
10. ACCIDENTS IN THE BACK SEAT CAUSE KIDS.
11. IT IS HARD TO MAKE A COMEBACK WHEN YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE.
12. THE WORLD ONLY BEATS A PATH TO YOUR DOOR WHEN YOU'RE IN THE BATHROOM.
13. IF GOD WANTED ME TO TOUCH MY TOES, HE'D HAVE PUT THEM ON MY KNEES.
14. WHEN I'M FINALLY HOLDING ALL THE RIGHT CARDS, EVERYONE WANTS TO PLAY CHESS.
15. IT IS NOT HARD TO MEET EXPENSES . . . THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.
16. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RUT AND A GRAVE IS THE DEPTH.
17. THESE DAYS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT THE HEREAFTER . . . I GO SOMEWHERE TO GET SOMETHING, AND THEN WONDER WHAT I'M "HERE AFTER."
Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.
Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
And, my very favorite.... QUESTION: What do you do all week? Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest. '''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''' SERENITY Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.... 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.. She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it? | |
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked... She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.' | | The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them. | | I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over. | | My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. | | Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. | | It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker. | | These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.' | | THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Always Remember This: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!