just can't live with the pain today

[clairea]

There is nothing worse than being in pain. I in pain day in day out 365 days of the year and this has been going on for 8 years, I have ms or similar they don't know exactly what it is but saying it's ms is the easiest way to explain my symptoms, they are the same, except i only have one lesion on my brain if i had three it would be dx as MS, but for now i have undiagnosed neurological disease that cripples me with pain and stops my legs from working and moving on a regular basis. and effects my eyesight,  a back disc issue where i have a bone spur crushing a disc crushing on my nerves, and at the moment a wrist that i broke in two places after yet another fall and a torn ligament but after a mir found that i had tendonitis as well in the wrist in more than one of the tendons so they gave me a shot of steroid and that shot (injection) ruptured my tendon in my thumb and that part of wrist that it hurts so much to move my thumb it makes me feel sick when i try or if i knock it on anything just slightly and you don't realise how much you use your thumb until you can't.

I'm having a moan today because the pain broke through my sleep yet again and i've been awake since 5am and can't get back to sleep, I woke up in a cold sweat with my back in so bad spasm I could hardly get out of bed to get my pain meds and rather than wake my husband who has to get up for work soon I struggle to do it myself. I hate having to put this on him.

The only time i'm pain free is when i'm in a warm bath or my inflatable hot tub, and even then that doesn't always work and if like today my back is in spasm i can't even get into the bath or hot tub, let alone feel better for it. At this point I usually rely on stinkies to help me out and at this moment in time i really need one, but It's been 2.2 months since i had one and don't want to let myself go down that route again it's taken me 30 years to quit smoking and not to go back after a week or two, but i'm adamant that this time will be different, for not only my health but that of my hubbie.

so now what do i do when i'm in pain I vape a lot, go for a higher nicotine, but now i think i'm vaping to much and don't know how to reduce it, it's become my crutch when i'm in pain, which is day in day out sometimes like this morning it's worse than other times,  my pain meds don't really work anymore but where do you go when you on the highest type of pain meds there is, oh i could add in oramorph to my other morphine i take, but then i'm in a foggy place and don't like that feeling, it's like being drunk all the time and I have never liked that feeling, I like to be in control and not feel drunk, and it still leaves me in pain, but it does kind of take the edge of it, but then if i ask my gp for it i get the drug addict talk, i'm not a drug addict i'm just in pain and he should try living with it day in day out, So i don't bother asking for it and put up with the pain but some days like today I can't

I'd like to be in control of the pain but it alludes me for now, and getting pain meds has used all my spoons up for today (spoon theory) so now i'm left in bed most of the day which also makes pain worse, swings and roundabouts, but better me than someone else in pain, i'd not wish this on my worst enemy.

normal service can be resumed now sorry for the rant and sorry if i post to much and you will all get fed up of me doing so, sometimes I just need to vent and sorry to the grammar police but typing with one hand is hard.

[Phoenix .]

clairea I am so sorry to read of your illness, undiagnosed as it is, it sounds like hell.
Certainly made me feel lucky I have no pain that is not controllable.

Don't you have a health visitor/friend/family member that can help you, I hate to think of you stuck in bed all day.
What do you do for food, drinks etc?

[clairea]

I have to keep trying to move, even if i have to crawl to kitchen i do have my wheelchair, but hubby leaves me a flask etc when i'm this bad incase i can't get up, he's only working half day today so it's not to bad,then he's actually got a week or so off work, recently had a few steroid shots on in back one in arm, but back one seems to have only lasted 6 weeks and has now come back with avengence, going to try and get back to sleep soon hopefully my body will relax enough once all the meds kick in.

[Deleted]

Don't be sorry . It sounds very challenging what you are going through , I hope you feel better tomorrow
don't really know what to say ..... don't worry about the vaping if it keeps you from smoking

[jaysey]

Oh clairea so sorry for the awful situation you are in , feel free to rant and rave here ! Done it myself a few times ! Hope you feel a bit better soon and well done for not smoking , have as much nic as you like if it helps sending hugs x

[davetherayon]

clairea you poor soul Don't feel guilty about vaping, if it gives you relief go for it!

[Phoenixflame (Julie)]

I am very sorry that you have to endure so much pain. If posting about it helps even a tiny bit then go for it.

[ronaldo]

I have found that there is no such thing as vaping to much your body will stop you if you are so don't worry and vape on

[Debbie13]

So sorry to hear this, I have fibromyalgia...a similar thing....so I can feel your pain, I tend to vape like mad at times, I dont feel guilty about it, at those times I use a lower nic juice as I am vaping that much.......

[davetherayon]

Nobody should feel guilty about being in pain. Anything you can do within reason (i.e. don't stuff barbiturates into you or hype up on heroin), do it. Nobody will judge you for wanting to alleviate your suffering.

[thatguy]

I'm so sorry to hear of your suffering clairea. You should never feel bad about vaping more if you feel it helps. Think of this...it;s much harder to OD on nicotine than it is on painkillers. You are pobably doing your kidneys a hugew favour by vaping more instead of upping your meds to dangerous levels. Any time you need to vent, or just want a few kind words, come and talk to us here.

[sleedale]

I have huge empathy for you clairea but sadly I can't offer any suggestions other than do whatever it takes to get even the tiniest bit of relief. Suppose you've tried a TENS machine? Although I'm not sure where you would put the 'pads', probably around the most severe pain site?
I hope you did manage to get into a warm bath, sooner rather than later. Would a health visitor or OT offer hydro or something like a walk in tub to make getting in easier?
I'm so sorry I can't be any help, it really is horrible being in constant pain, it takes over. You will regain control of it, and that does help, just occasionally it will break through, making you feel wretched, but it won't be like that forever.
I wish you well, sending positive vibes to you. And huge, but gentle, hugs.

Sue

[clairea]

Jul 13, 2014 9:18:38 GMT sleedale said:

I have huge empathy for you clairea but sadly I can't offer any suggestions other than do whatever it takes to get even the tiniest bit of relief. Suppose you've tried a TENS machine? Although I'm not sure where you would put the 'pads', probably around the most severe pain site?
I hope you did manage to get into a warm bath, sooner rather than later. Would a health visitor or OT offer hydro or something like a walk in tub to make getting in easier?
I'm so sorry I can't be any help, it really is horrible being in constant pain, it takes over. You will regain control of it, and that does help, just occasionally it will break through, making you feel wretched, but it won't be like that forever.
I wish you well, sending positive vibes to you. And huge, but gentle, hugs.

Sue

i have hydro sessions booked unfortunately i cant do them yet because of wrist and another issue bit to delicate to go into on here lets just say i had the biggest cyst that was growing internally in a place a female really wouldn't want one, in feb 2013, had to have 4 emergency ops on it and it's not healing, it heals up for a week or two then it just breaks open again been like this since april 2013, which means i can't go in the pool sadly.
yep tried tens am under the pain clinic i have injections every couple of months but they only last a few weeks, 
i'm not in so much pain today though xx