Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 1, 2019 11:28:20 GMT
An English guy relocates to the outback in Australia. He'd been living there a few days, when the phone rang. He answered the phone and the guy on the other end introduced himself as his neighbour, he told him he lived on a smallholding 50 miles away and would like to welcome him to Australia. The neighbour then said, "Why don't you drop by on Saturday at about 7.30 for a real Australian barbie?" "Yes, I'd like that", said the Englishman, "But what's a real Australian barbie?" The Aussie said, "Well, we eat as much as we want, drink as much of the amber brew as we want and have as much sex as we want". "The Englishman said, "Sounds great, what's the dress code?" "The Aussie said, "Wear what you like mate, there'll only be the two of us".
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 1, 2019 11:29:51 GMT
A Blonde buys a new Automatic BMW X8 sport. She drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night the car just won't move at all. She tries driving the car at night for a week but still no luck. She then furiously calls the BMW dealers and they send out a technician to her. The technician asks "Madam, are you sure you are using the right gears?"
Full of anger she replies:
"You fool, idiot man, how you could ask such a question, I'm not stupid!! I use ‘D’for the Day and ‘N’for the Night...
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 1, 2019 14:55:28 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 3, 2019 12:30:40 GMT
The Shiny-Walled Box Thingie
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"
The father (having never seen an lift) responded, "I have no idea what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.
The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 4, 2019 22:44:39 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 6, 2019 12:20:56 GMT
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striker42
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Perp's Wee Pocket Rocket
Head Haggis Hunter
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Post by striker42 on Aug 9, 2019 4:30:06 GMT
A little old lady went to the shop to buy cat food. She picked up three cans but was told by the cashier, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . . The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like shit." . . . The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
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Rob74
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Post by Rob74 on Aug 9, 2019 9:15:49 GMT
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard."Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I cant," breathed the bartender... "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartenders lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
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Rob74
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Post by Rob74 on Aug 9, 2019 9:18:10 GMT
A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. Hes slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that. He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and were hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!! The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him,
"You're really a jerk when your drunk, Superman."
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 9, 2019 19:36:11 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 12, 2019 23:16:54 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 13, 2019 11:34:02 GMT
A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job. I don’t like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing.”
The social worker behind the counter said “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2019 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.”
“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bull-sh*ttin’ me!”
The social worker said, “Yeah, well.. You started it…”
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 14, 2019 19:44:18 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 15, 2019 11:26:53 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 16, 2019 12:41:32 GMT
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