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Mommy, what were you doing bouncing on Daddy's stomach last night?" "I have to do that, or Daddy's belly gets very fat. Bouncing keeps him skinny." "That's not going to work." "Why not?" "Because Tina the babysitter keeps blowing him back up again."
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. 'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'. She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies. The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car' 'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him. The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years' 'I remember that, too' she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today."
Little Johnny, the magician's son. Teacher: "What's your father's occupation?" Little Johnny: "He's a magician miss. Teacher: "How interesting. What's his favourite trick?" Little Johnny: "He saws people in half," Teacher: "Wow! 😱 That must be amazing to watch," Teacher: "Do you have any brothers or sisters?" Little Johnny: "One half brother, and two half sisters."
I bought these tanks with mixed feelings as I always used to make my own coils and wicking.As I hate being held to ransom withe non rebuildable coils but the vape is great and if it costs me two pounds a month I think I can live with it
Three Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin' the breeze. 1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid, she bought an air conditioner.” 2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?" 1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!" 2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothing, my wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new-fangled warshin' machines!" 1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?" 2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'" 3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wives put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar." 1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?" 3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no dick.”
Two tourists were driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwryndrobwllyantsllyogogogoch they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The blonde waitress leaned over and said: "Burrr-gurrr-Kingggg”
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school dad." Robot slaps the son! "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friends house!" the son says "What dvd?" asks the father "Toy story." Robot slaps the son again! "Ok, it was a porno" cries the son. "What!? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was" says the dad. Robot slaps the dad! Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly your son." Robot slaps the mom! Awkward Silence
I failed the mandatory Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today. One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?" Apparently, "F-ckin' big ones" was the wrong answer.
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks. 'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him. 'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues. 'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear. 'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured. 'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers. 'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands. She whispers in his ear 'That's me before the surgery.' ..
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.
Viagra Coffee This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive." The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?" The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed. "Well," the doctor continued, "let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing." The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly. Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head. "How did it go?" the doctor asked. "Terribly, doctor, terribly." "Did it not work?" "Yes," the old lady said, ! "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years." "Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."