Ron
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Post by Ron on Feb 5, 2020 23:53:27 GMT
One day, at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot quicker and cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi"
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. And If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping at Aldi.
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Ron
Super Member
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Posts: 3,748
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Last Online Apr 27, 2024 9:48:36 GMT
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Post by Ron on Feb 7, 2020 15:34:52 GMT
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Ron
Super Member
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Last Online Apr 27, 2024 9:48:36 GMT
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Post by Ron on Feb 7, 2020 15:36:27 GMT
DEEP
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Feb 7, 2020 15:41:53 GMT
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Ron
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Last Online Apr 27, 2024 9:48:36 GMT
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Post by Ron on Feb 7, 2020 15:55:06 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Feb 8, 2020 14:55:18 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Feb 10, 2020 22:31:22 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Feb 12, 2020 12:53:25 GMT
I went to B & Q this morning, I couldn't believe it, they've now got designated parking spaces for fat blokes that are buying barbecues
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Feb 12, 2020 16:55:39 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Feb 13, 2020 16:00:57 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Feb 13, 2020 17:28:39 GMT
An alcoholic walks into a hardware shop and asks to buy a bottle of meths. The shopkeeper says "I'm not selling you that, I've seen you sitting down the park and I know you're an alkie. You'll just drink it."
The bloke says "no, I've just started my own decorating business and I need it for my work. People won't let me forget I used to be a drunk. I've turned my life around, but I'll always be seen as that drunkard, no matter how hard I work"
The shopkeeper says "I'm so sorry. Alright, heres your bottle of meths."
The bloke says "you haven't got a cold one, have you ??"
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Feb 13, 2020 17:33:06 GMT
Well I went to the butchers shop this morning . I said ,"Could I have three of those T Bone steaks please? " He said "Certainly Ma'am" grabbed his tongs and went "one , two , three" into a plastic bag and wrapped them in paper . Then I said I will have half a dozen lamb cutlets , and he grabbed his tongs and counted out six cutlets into a bag and wrapped it in paper . As I ordered a dozen sausages I added "I notice you always use the tongs". He said "Ma'am , we never touch the meat I always use the tongs , it is our guarantee of Hygiene" It was then I noticed he had a piece of string coming out of his pants and I enquired what the piece of string was for . The Butcher said "Ma'am if I need to go to the toilet , the guarantee of Hygiene , I do not touch it , I pull it out with the string! " "Oh " I said , paid him and was just about to leave when I thought "Hey if you pull it out with the string , then how do you put it back in ? " The Butcher said "I use the tongs !"
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Feb 15, 2020 13:28:59 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Feb 15, 2020 23:56:15 GMT
A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral. A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?" The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife." "What happened to her?" "My dog attacked and killed her." "Well, who is in the second coffin?" My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also." A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the man asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied, "Join the queue."
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Feb 17, 2020 12:05:37 GMT
An old woman is walking around in a supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssssssco!"
Soon a store clerk approaches and says, "Ma'am, the Crisco is on aisle 7."
The woman replies, "Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband."
The clerk is astonished. "Your husband's name is Crisco?"
The woman answers, "Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public."
"I see," said the clerk. "What do you call him at home?"
"Lard ass."
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