joke time

[Pacer]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what’s happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.

"Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The DI is taken to the last body. "Ah" says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken," replies the coroner.

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My Dear
Honey,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year
old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.'

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear
Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference
- 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

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A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.

Andy, the class crawler, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Andy" says the teacher, "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says," My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house wid a two-inch brush and mi Dad says it will take the contagious."

[foxfan]

I took my dog to the vets cuz he was cross eyed. The vet picked him up and looked into his eyes and said "I'm going to have to put him down". I said "You're going to put him down cuz he's cross eyed" ? The vet replied "No, cuz he's heavy"

[DiscoDes]

Two men walk into a bar "ouch! ouch!"

[OneDay]

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are banged up abroad. One day they are reminiscing about the pubs back home.
The Englishman says "in my local they all know my name and I have my tankard hanging up behind the bar"
The Scotsman says "I go to a bar where they have fifty different malt whiskeys and often the barman will give me one to taste for free"
The Irishman says "There is a bar in my town where you never have to pay for your own drink, there's free food, and when you've had enough to drink you can go upstairs and have as much sex as you can handle"
The other two express their disbelief and the Scotsman says "so you have been to this bar then Mick"
"well no, but my sister has"

[DiscoDes]

Click on link!

Attachments:

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Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen.

Its length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.
Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won't happen again.

Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Fred replied.


She ran out of the room.

[Skwoddy]

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"

Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.

[Skwoddy]

Go and have a look at the size of the sh*t I've just done in the bathroom!" I said to my wife.

"No thanks," she replied.

"Please, just one quick look," I said, "You won't believe it."

She pinched her nose, ran in, looked down the toilet, then ran out and said, "There's nothing down there, you must've flushed it."

I said, "It's on the scales."

[Skwoddy]

When I got to work today, there was a "Warning - Trip Hazard" sign in the lobby.

I asked what was wrong with the floor and was told "Nothing - to improve staff morale, we're spraying LSD into the air conditioning".

[Ron]

Flat-chested Woman

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"

The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another
department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.

Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"

The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

[Ron]

A refuse collector in Cairns , Australia , is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look
about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro prease!" says the Chinese man
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector
"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me.
Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"

"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear.
"I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"