Things To Ponder

[Ron]

If you're not
familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous comic scientist who
once said:

"I woke up one
morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact
duplicates."<

His mind sees things
differently than most of us do. Here are some of his gems.

1 - I'd kill for a
Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect
it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99%
of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made
up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is
what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience
is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you
have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho
kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the
second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend...
But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of
dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 -
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16
- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 -
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 -
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to
live forever... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you
have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get
sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to
death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so
I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics
have to ask you for your name.

25 - If at first you don't succeed,
destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where
you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get
until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is
proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one
person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem
with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you
fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the
x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone
has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you
don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And the all-time
favorite:

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your
headlights work?<o:p></o:p>

[suede]

Brilliant. I use the rainbow one all the time.

[chrisjw]

Him & me are on the same wavelength..........

[Bluefish]

Last one is very good, and the answer is yes.