Jokes

[tynesider]

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never come back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife. They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft bastard it's me!"

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."

Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"

[Scylla]

PMSL - literally...

See ya in a minnit >>>>>>>>>>>>>>

scylla

[Scylla]

OK, better now

We do have a "Humorous" thread further down the page where all the jokes are supposed to be collected - there are some real goodies there - and some duds ... if anyone needs a good giggling session to raise their spirits

I'll bump it.

scylla

[tynesider]

May 31, 2011 18:38:53 GMT Scylla said:

OK, better now

We do have a "Humorous" thread further down the page where all the jokes are supposed to be collected - there are some real goodies there - and some duds ... if anyone needs a good giggling session to raise their spirits

I'll bump it.

scylla

Sorry i didnt see that can you move it please.
Thanks

[Scylla]

No we'll leave it Tyny - I just thought that recent joiners may not have noticed it when they needed some light relief - and if peeps see the title they might be inspired to add to it.

scylla

[tynesider]

My niece calls me uncle tumbleweed because I tell corny jokes, I have loads of them..so you have been warned

[tynesider]

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...


The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.


When she asked me why, I replied,


"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"


And that's how the fight started....


________________________________



My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.



I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,


'Is that your final answer?'


She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'


So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."


And that's when the fight started...


________________________________




I took my wife to a restaurant.



The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."


He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"


"Nah, she can order for herself."


And that's when the fight started.....


_______________________________



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she

kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a
nearby table.


I asked her, "Do you know him?"



"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."



"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"


And then the fight started...


________________________________





When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me

that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to

take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.



When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,

busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently

for a short time and then went into the house… was gone only a minute,

and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you
finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."


The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


________________________________


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.




She asked, "What's on TV?"


I said, "Dust."


And then the fight started...


________________________________



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and

Slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and

proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50

mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered

that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed..


I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,


"The weather out there is terrible."



My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"


And that's how the fight started...


________________________________



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."


I bought her a bathroom scale.


And then the fight started.....


_______________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security .



The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my
age.





I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.


The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'


So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.



She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application ..



When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...



She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'


And then the fight started...


_______________________________



My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,



"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'


I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

[Aldo]

The brave man is the one that after getting drunk comes home at 5am, lipstick in his neck, can't open the door on his own, an when the wife finnally opens it holding a broom holds his breath and asks......

"are you cleaning or going out for a flight??"

[Scylla]

Not bad for a foreigner, Aldo

My favourites out of the fight jokes are the last two... I think

Thanks boyz!

scylla

[roachieuk (aka eciggery2011)]

Two women meet in the after life. One asks the other, y r u here? Bcos i froze to death. Y r u here? Well said the other woman i thought my husband was having an affair; so i looked in the wardrobe, under the bed, behind the settee and i couldn't find anyone. Consequently, i had a heart attack and died. The first woman said 'we wouldn't be here if u'd just looked in the bloody freezer!

[vereybowring]

Two nuns leave the convent to collect donations.
Passing an alleyway they are dragged in by two men and molested.
In shock they stagger out of the alley and one turns to the other -
"How are we going to explain having sexual relations twice ?"
The other is confused -
"We were only raped once !"
"Yes." replies the first, "But we must come back this way to get home !"

(OOps !, not the most pleasant topic for a joke I'll admit)

[roachieuk (aka eciggery2011)]

A teenager asks his gran "have you seen my tablets marked LSD?
Gran says "sod your tablets,have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"


A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though
the weather that morning was questionable and
clouds were forming, she made her daily trip to
school.

As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up,
along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the
little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be
frightened as she walked home from school, and she
herself feared the electrical storm might harm her child.

Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming
sword would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the
mother quickly got in her car and drove along the
route to her child's school.

As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but
at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look
up and smile.

Another and another were to follow quickly, each
with the little girl stopping, looking up and smiling.
Finally, the mother called over to her child and asked,
"What are you doing?"

The child answered, "Smiling! G~d just keeps taking
pictures of me."


How unlucky was osama bin laden? If he had been captured by the british he would now be living in a council house, have a full state pension, claiming a human rights payout and disability allowance! God Bless America

My Dr has told me I'm morbidly obese. As if I didn't have enough on my plate already


Little Billy's neighbour had a baby but it was born without ears. Billy and his mum went to visit the baby and Billy was warned not to mention the ears or he'd be spanked. Billy looked in the cot and said "What a lovely baby. Lovely feet, hands and skin. How's his eyesight?" The baby's mother said it was perfect. Billy replied "Thats good cos he'd be fudged if he needed glasses"

[tynesider]

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...
but she did.


The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.


Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.


Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His mate turns to him and says, "Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen"
Dave replies, "Well we were married for nearly 20 years"


Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Have you seen how many of their owners go blind" says Mick


Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"
The operator says, “how do you know?”
He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!


I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on.
I said "You're pulling my leg"


I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.


Spent £40 on eBay last week for a penis enlarger.
Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.


My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker.
Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.


I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.


What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.


An old lady is being examined by the Doctor. He asks have you ever been bedridden?
She says, “Yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!”



A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says, “What do you expect?
You’re in a wheel chair.”


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said, “I would like to come back as a cow.” I said, “You’re obviously not listening.”


Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten.. It's called a wedding cake.


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


Hi mate. I don't want you to panic but I’m texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what I thought it was.

[tynesider]

Oh come on!! sort yourselves out! have a laff.

[vereybowring]

Right, you asked for it , at least in my head, one of the worst jokes ever for groan factor. Some of the younger members of the audience may not get the joke but I don't care.

A man is in town and its coming up to lunchtime.
He spots a new French style seafood restaurant so decides to give it a go.
After waiting for a bit at the "wait to be seated" sign a young man comes over -
"Hello, my name is Gervais, I will be your waiter - please follow me".
The man is then shown to a small table and given all the menus.
After getting in some wine Gervais returns to get the order.
The man has decided on Squid, so he is taken to the squid tank to choose his lunch.
At the bottom of the tank, trying to hide at the back is a very placid looking squid, but it has green fuzzy stuff round its little beak.
The man chooses it against the advice of the waiter but is quite insistent - so the squid is collected and taken to the kitchens.
In the kitchens the chefs are very busy so the task of dispatching
the squid is passed back to Gervais.
Gervais is poised with a knife over the squid, but it looks up at him and a single tear dribbles from its eye.
"I can't do it !" he exclaims.
At this point, Hans a burly tough german kitchen porter comes over and nudges Gervais out of the way saying he'll take care of it.
Hovering there with the knife, Hans looks down and the squid is crying.
After a moment Hans declares he can't kill it either.

Now what is the moral of the story (singing is optional)

Hans that do dishes can be soft as Gervais, with the mild green, furry lipped squid !

Thank you, I'll get me coat !