Ron
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Post by Ron on May 14, 2020 10:57:54 GMT
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey, it's because you're 24.
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Jun 6, 2020 11:31:02 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Jun 6, 2020 20:35:55 GMT
I don't know how true this is but!!!
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Jun 9, 2020 0:12:05 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Jun 9, 2020 10:26:08 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Jun 11, 2020 20:42:48 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Jun 12, 2020 21:15:59 GMT
If you have alexa........ " alexa say Boris Johnson carrots one hundred in Welsh " Don't try this with youngsters in the room or older prudes
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dagl
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Captain Hospitality
carpe diem
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Post by dagl on Jun 12, 2020 23:15:18 GMT
If you have alexa........ " alexa say Boris Johnson carrots one hundred in Welsh " Don't try this with youngsters in the room or older prudes
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Jun 14, 2020 21:53:29 GMT
HAIRCUTS
Women's version:
Woman 2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!
Woman 1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when he was gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
Woman 2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
Woman 1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
Woman 2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.
Woman 1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.
----------------------------------
Men's version:
Man 2: Did ya get a haircut? Man 1: Yeah
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Jun 17, 2020 17:32:38 GMT
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty, would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Jun 17, 2020 21:42:19 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Jun 21, 2020 16:26:03 GMT
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
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charliehorse
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Post by charliehorse on Jun 21, 2020 19:50:36 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Jun 22, 2020 20:33:53 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Jun 28, 2020 9:28:14 GMT
A sprightly 101-year-old cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbour that the secret of living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the ripe old age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great grandchildren, five great-great grandchildren... and a 40-foot HOLE where the crematorium used to be.
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