All Non Vaping Talk & Good Laugh Thread.

[Ron]

[Ron]

www.facebook.com/doug.hacking.3/videos/10216610903165726/

[Ron]

Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast .
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."
"My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road."
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

"Property?”, his wife replies. “The bastard had a window cleaning round."

[Ron]

Remove if not allowed

The Pfeffel Flustering Philandering Fool Johnson visited a remote little rural village in Cornwall and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village spokesman. “First, we have a hospital but NO doctor.”

"de Pfeffel whipped out his mobile phone, spoke for a while and then said, “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”

“We have NO mobile phone reception at all in our village.”

[Ron]

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed,

make a doctor's appointment.

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.

[Ron]

[Ron]

Do you know how weird it is being the same age as old people?

[Ron]

[Ron]

[Ron]

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500".
The teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $2,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady wanted to know why ...
The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her, “These are the rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a line behind you.”
The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, then handed the card back to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her, “My apologies Ma'am, you have $35 million in your account and our bank doesn't have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?
The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately.
The teller told her any amount up to $250,000.
"Well, please let me have $250,000 now", she requested. The teller did so quickly, then handed it very friendly and respectfully to her elderly client.
The old lady put $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $249,500 back into her account.
💐Don't be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skills.

[Ron]

No "HARD" feelings!!!

Tommy discovered his wife was cheating with another guy, so he went to the guy's wife and told her about it.

"I know what we will do", she said, "Let's take revenge on him."

So together they went to a motel and had "revenge".

After 10 minutes, she said,"Let's have "more revenge", and they took "revenge again".

After 5 times of "repeated revenge", Tommy was lying spent, and she said, "Lets take revenge again."

Tommy said, "let's forgive them....... I have no more "Hard" feelings!!"

[Ron]

Nagging Wife.
A man and his nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the
wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it would cost $45,000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said, “Ship her home.” Shocked, the undertaker asked, “But sir, why don’t you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?” To which the husband replied, “A long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead….I can't take THAT RISK!”

[Ron]

A woman has to go to Ireland for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport. “Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”

He laughs, and says, “An Irish girl!”

When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”

“Very good,” she replies.

“And what happened to my present?”

“Which present?” she asks.

“The one I asked for – an Irish girl!”

“Oh, that. I did what I could. We’ll just have to wait 9 months to see if it’s a girl.

[Ron]

A 75 year old lady says to her husband, "You know what, I think I'll go to the doctor and get a checkup."
Her husband says, "Sure, thats a good idea dear."
So she makes an appointment to see Dr. Levine, a gynecologist, and explains that she has not had a checkup in 25 years.
Dr Levine tells her to get undressed and put on a gown so he can check everything out.
The Doctor puts his hand under her gown, lifts her right breast and tells her to say, "99".
She says "99".
"I see nothing wrong there," says the Doctor. He then puts his hand under her gown, lifts her left breast and repeats, "Say 99".
She says "99".
Dr. Levine says everything seems ok with this one also.
"We might as well check your other vitals, lay down on the table and put your feet in the stirrups."
He puts on the rubber glove and some KY on the glove and is checking her private parts for any signs of lumps, etc. Once more he tells her, "Say 99"
She says, "one, two, three....... ...".

[Ron]

At the end of the tax
year, the Revenue Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said
“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way,
“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.