All Non Vaping Talk & Good Laugh Thread.

[Ron]

A Blonde at the Repair Shop

A blonde got a dent in her car and took it in to the repair shop. The repairman, noticing that the woman was a blonde, decided to have a wee bit of fun.

So he told her all she had to do was take it home and blow in the tailpipe until the dent popped itself out.

After 15 minutes of this, the blonde's blonde friend came over and asked what she was doing.

"I'm trying to pop out this dent, but it's not really working."

"Duh. You have to roll up the windows first!"

[Ron]

An eighteen-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.

If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a 1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do"?

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
"Then you try again

[Ron]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

[Ron]

[Ron]

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,

Trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum

And insulted him,

So in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,

The stomach was bloated,

The legs got wobbly,

The eyes got watery,

And the blood was toxic..

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

.

The Moral of the story?

Even though the others do all the work...

An Arse Hole is usually in charge

[Ron]

[Ron]

[flimflam]

[Ron]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl. "Oh, yes" she replied, "isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter!" The pastor fainted.

[Ron]

A man takes his seat at the World Cup Final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.
The man: “Who would ever miss the World Cup final?”
The guy: “That was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five World Cup finals together, but sadly she passed away.”
The man: “That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another member of the family, friend, or someone else to come with you?”
The guy: “No…they are all at the funeral!”

[Ron]

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm for $10.
The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery and even shorten your life.
So be yourself and enjoy life.
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and just cover your own !!!
You'll be a lot happier and live longer!

[Ron]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell
down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, " Murphy ,
I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while
back, I
misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that
McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church
every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during
Mass &
figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was
going to
leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy , I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10
Commandments
I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn 's hat after
all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said;"
After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you
would rather
do without your hat than burn in hell, eh ?"
Murphy slowly shook his head.
"No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit
Adultery '
I remembered where I left me hat."

[Ron]

Maria just got married, and being a traditional Italian, she was
still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s
house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good
man. Go upstairs, and he’ll take care of you.” So up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his
hairy chest.

Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, mama, Tony’s
got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria”, says the mother, “All good men have hairy
chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.”

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took
off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Maria ran downstairs
to her mother.

“Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants, and he’s got hairy legs, too!”

“Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man.
Go upstairs, and he’ll take good care of you.”

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his
socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria
saw this, she ran downstairs.

“Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a foot and a half!”

“Stay here and stir the pasta”, says the mother, “this is a job
for Mama!”

147

[Ron]

A blonde city girl, marries a sheep farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the sheep, the farmer says
to his wife, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one
of our ewes today. I drove a nail into the rail above the ewe's stall
in the barn. You show him where the ewe is when he gets here, OK?'
So then he went off to do some fencing.
After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the
front door.
The farmer's wife takes him down to the barn. They walk along the
row of sheep and when she sees the nail, she tells him 'This is the
one...right here.'
Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another
dizzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this
is the ewe to be inseminated?'
'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', she explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'
She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence,
says over her shoulder ......
'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'

[Ron]

This is what happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news reader that had forecast snow the next day after being told so by the weatherman. The next day it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, so she turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard