All Non Vaping Talk & Good Laugh Thread.

[davetherayon]

Dad sends little Jimmy down to the paper shop to get some tobacco for his pipe. "Get the Rising Sun baccy Jimmy" he tells him. So Jimmy plods off down the road into the shop, where there is a gorgeous young lady behind the counter, wearing a skimpy short dress. "Rising Sun tobacco for me dad please" he says. She scans the tobacco display, and scratches her head in puzzlement. She says "I can't see it, it must be on the upper shelves. I'll get the ladder" and walks off into the back of the shop. Returning a moment later, she puts a stepladder against the display and starts climbing, and Jimmy gets a front row view of her derriere in her very short mini-skirt. She then says, "Are you sure it's Rising Sun?" Jimmy says, "I don't know, but it sure throbs a lot"

[VapingBad]

Midnight snack time: home-made rhubarb & custard tart

[Debbie13]

Jun 4, 2014 1:39:35 GMT Debbie13 said:

I would never forget ......
Yep keep the jokes coming........

Ok gonna leave something here....and I shall be back to join in some time soon

So...all time 5 fave songs....and why.......

Ohhh I see you are all jumping with glee at this one 

[VapingBad]

saw US Secret Service seeks Twitter sarcasm detector and thought they could use this thread to test it, then I thought how on earth are Americans gone to tell the difference anyway.

[Ripshod]

If they could get that to work they'll be able to do anything. One of the 16-18 things they're looking at? Bogglin'

[VapingBad]

[VapingBad]

And for balance

[Deleted]

Random post one

[Deleted]

Random post two

[stewarty]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside the Social Security Offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
since you’ve just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth,
so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --PING!!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.

The refugee claimant now got bolder.

'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives
who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.

PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway,
a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the English.'

PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'

The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to sweet f*** all like the rest of us”.

[stewarty]

A bloke applies for a job in a general store. Boss says, “Let me show you how it's done."

A customer comes in & asks for a packet of grass seed. The shopkeeper says, "Sir, when the grass grows you will need some shears & after that you will need a lawn mower." The customer says, "Thank you very much, i hadn't thought of that."
The customer leaves having spent over £200.

The shopkeeper turns to the applicant & says, "See that's how it's done, the next customer is yours if you make a sale the jobs yours.."

Customer walks in approaches him and says, "I would like a box of Tampax." bloke replies, "Would you like a lawnmower as well sir?" The man asks, "Why would i want a ****ing lawnmower?"

bloke says, "Well look at it this way sir your weekend is knackered, so you might as well cut the grass."

[stewarty]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?", she said. "Go on then, try!"

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on!", she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Yesterday", I replied!!

[stewarty]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend,
My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
Things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,

And whispered,

'Self-raising, isn't it?'


And thus began my life of celibacy!!!!!!!!!!!

[stewarty]

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says,
"Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing.
I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long
gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive
you." They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back
swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've
been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since
we're being honest with each other, I have something to
tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change
operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can
forgive me."
The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw
a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the
ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf
cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by
one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable
deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart
and soul...

and all these years you've been playing off the f**king
ladies' tees!"

[stewarty]

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why
did you ask me if I'm Irish?"



The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."