All Non Vaping Talk & Good Laugh Thread.

[VapingBad]

One of his I always remember sammy13

[stewarty]

Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near greater Manchester recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.





The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.


However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.



By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.


Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.



The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:

--- when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.





They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah",

not a single one could shout "Lorry."





Absolutely amazing! Makes you wonder why you gave me your email address, doesn't it...??

[stewarty]

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.

He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,

“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

[stewarty]

6 Truths of Life

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.






2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.






3. And discover that The first truth is a lie.






4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.








5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.







6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.



I apologize about this .

I'm an idiot and I needed company ...

[stewarty]

Paddy comes home early from his usual Friday night out to his local,

Mary asks why are you home early?

Paddy replied Murphy the post man is drunk and is bragging that he has made love to every women in our street except for one.

Mary said bet its that stuck up bitch at no 10.

[stewarty]

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold and imaginative move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

[stewarty]

A man gets an text from his neighbour which said >>>>

Sorry Jim but I have taking advantage of your wife day and night whenever you not been at home. In fact probably more than you.

I am confessing now because I feel really guilty.

I hope you will accept my sincere apologies.

I will ask your permission in future

Upon reading this Jim gets out his gun and without uttering a word shoots his wife

A few minutes later he gets another text from his neighbour saying >>>>

Sorry Jim I can't get the hang of this bloody predictive text ... I meant Wifi not Wife

[VapingBad]

Another blast form the past (1984)

[VapingBad]

How do you confuse an Irishman?





Show him two shovels ant tell him to take his pick.

(now you've got me pulling the TimeTeam joke book)

[VapingBad]

[VapingBad]

At the French immigration desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, Monsieur?" the Immigration officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know well enough to have your passport ready." The British gentleman says, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. The British always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" The elderly gentleman gave the French Immigration Officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, the last time I was here, I came ashore on Juno Beach on D-Day in June 1944, and I couldn't find any fcking Frenchmen to show it to.

[cHooBeyDoo]

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

[Debbie13]

Just had time to catch up with all these jokes....love them .....been another hectic day and night here....off to catch up with some threads then off to bed .....

[CaptainChaos]

Is there a way of REDUCING the amount of vapour I'm getting?

The neighbours are complaining ...

[teethcv]

how did i not know about this thread i can talk bo***x here and not get slapped for it lol