Ron
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Post by Ron on May 5, 2017 14:01:56 GMT
Talk about a lame duck….
A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck.”
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “£550!” she cried, “£550 just to tell me my duck is dead?!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now £550.”
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Ron
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Post by Ron on May 3, 2017 20:57:10 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on May 3, 2017 17:35:53 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on May 3, 2017 12:07:38 GMT
A little four-year-old boy is in the bathroom. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what’s up.
“Matty, are you all right?” she says. “You’ve been in here for a while…”
Matty says, “I’m fine, Mommy… I just haven’t gone ‘doody’ yet.”
The little boy is sitting on the toilet impatiently. Every ten seconds or so he grips the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand.
“Matty, why are you hitting yourself on the head?” his mother asks, concerned.
Matty responds, “Works for ketchup.”
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Ron
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Post by Ron on May 2, 2017 22:55:42 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Apr 29, 2017 23:06:30 GMT
Thats my story and I'm sticking to it  |
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Apr 28, 2017 22:05:39 GMT
A friend of mine just rang me. has 2 ringside tickets for the Joshua v klitschko fight. He paid £2500 each but he didn't realise when he bought them it was on the same day as his wedding, If you're interested he is looking for someone to take his place.
It's at St Ignatious Church in Lancashire at 3pm the brides name is Julie she's 5'4" about 115lbs she's a good cook too. She will be the one in the white dress
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Apr 27, 2017 10:33:15 GMT
Order cancelled from their end full refund
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Apr 26, 2017 15:58:06 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Apr 26, 2017 15:17:08 GMT
A man with a 25 inch long penis goes to his doctor to complain that he is having a problem with this cumbersome instrument and has had more than one complaint. "Doctor," he asked, in total frustration, "is there anything you can do for me?" The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch.
The man calls upon the witch and relays his story. "Witch, my penis is 25 inches long and I need help. Can anything be done to help me? You are my only hope." The witch stares in amazement, scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I may be able to help you with your problem. Do this. Go deep into the forest. You will find a pond. In this pond, you will find a frog sitting on a log. This frog has magic. You say to frog, will you marry me? When the frog says no, you will find five inches less to your problem."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He called out to the frog, "Will you marry me?"
The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO."
The man looked down and suddenly his penis was 5 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "this is great!" But it was still too long at 20 inches, so he decided to ask the frog to marry him again. "Frog, will you marry me?" the guy shouted.
The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!" The man felt another twitch in his penis, looked down, and it was another 5 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." He looked down at his penis again, 15 inches long, and reflected for a moment. Fifteen inches is still a monster, just a little less would be ideal. Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?"
The frog looked back across the pond shaking its head, "How many times do I have to tell you? NO, NO, NO!!!"..
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Apr 26, 2017 10:24:26 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Apr 25, 2017 9:35:06 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Apr 21, 2017 10:50:04 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Apr 20, 2017 20:37:04 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Apr 20, 2017 11:00:40 GMT
Just had invoice from paypal and it says one item
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