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Well, I'm at A&E Today was not a good day. I decided ta go horse riding, something I haven't done in many years. It turned out to be a big mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly, but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go. I couldn't take the pace and fell off, but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me. It wouldn't stop. Thank goodness the manager at Toys-R-Us came out and unplugged the machine. But he had the nerve to take the rest of my change so I wouldn't attempt to ride the Elephant
What part of your body goes to heaven first? The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, “When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?” Suzy raised her hand and said, “I think it’s your hands.” “Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?” Suzy replied, “Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!” the nun said. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sister, I think it’s your feet.” The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. “Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?” Little Johnny said, “Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy’s bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, ‘Oh God, I’m coming’. I gotta tell you, if Dad hadn’t been pinning her down, we’d have lost her for sure.”
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a Salesman standing right behind her – Good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, Madam. How may we help You today? Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘what is the price of this Lovely bracelet?’ He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!”
A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon. Makes you proud to be British
We always hear 'THE RULES' from the Female Side. Now here are the Rules from the Male Side. Here are Our Rules:- 1. Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Yes, we know where YOUR eyes are, but your Boobs are where OUR eyes are. Don't try to change that. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If its up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down. 3. Saturday = Sports. Its like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 4. Shopping is NOT a sport. and no, we are never going to think of it that way. 5. Crying is Blackmail. End Of. 6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: subtle hints do not work..! strong hints do not work..! obvious hints do not work..! Just say it..! 7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. 9. A Headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a Doctor. 10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days. 11. If you think you are Fat, then you probably are. Don't ask us. We know it's a Trap. 12. if something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
A young Portsmouth lass was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia." "I see," the captain says 'and thats all is it?' Her conscience then got the better of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry"
93% of dog owners say their dog has made them a better person in at least one way, a study found. This same study found that 99% of cat owners say they feel their cat has told them to f**k off, at least once, this week