stewarty
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Post by stewarty on Jun 5, 2014 21:37:00 GMT
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”
She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”
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stewarty
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Post by stewarty on Jun 5, 2014 21:32:40 GMT
Researchers for the Ministry of Transport found over 200 dead crows near greater Manchester recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorries, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
Ministry of Transport then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist very quickly concluded the cause:
--- when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah",
not a single one could shout "Lorry."
Absolutely amazing! Makes you wonder why you gave me your email address, doesn't it...??
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stewarty
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Post by stewarty on Jun 5, 2014 21:30:05 GMT
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.
A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why
did you ask me if I'm Irish?"
The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."
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stewarty
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Post by stewarty on Jun 5, 2014 21:27:08 GMT
Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says,
"Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing.
I hope you can forgive me."
His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long
gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive
you." They embraced and kissed.
On the seventeenth tee, the husband was starting his back
swing when the wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've
been so conscience-stricken since you told me, but since
we're being honest with each other, I have something to
tell you also. Fifty-two years ago I had a sex change
operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can
forgive me."
The husband, froze at the top of his back swing, then threw
a fit! He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the
ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf
cart over on its side, broke the rest of his clubs one by
one, then started on hers.
He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable
deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart
and soul...
and all these years you've been playing off the f**king
ladies' tees!"
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stewarty
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Post by stewarty on Jun 5, 2014 21:22:36 GMT
What is Celibacy?
Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend,
My wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
Things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,
And whispered,
'Self-raising, isn't it?'
And thus began my life of celibacy!!!!!!!!!!!
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stewarty
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Post by stewarty on Jun 5, 2014 21:02:07 GMT
I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
"Really?", she said. "Go on then, try!"
After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
"Come on!", she demanded, "What day was I born on?"
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"Yesterday", I replied!!
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stewarty
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Post by stewarty on Jun 5, 2014 20:59:08 GMT
A bloke applies for a job in a general store. Boss says, “Let me show you how it's done."
A customer comes in & asks for a packet of grass seed. The shopkeeper says, "Sir, when the grass grows you will need some shears & after that you will need a lawn mower." The customer says, "Thank you very much, i hadn't thought of that."
The customer leaves having spent over £200.
The shopkeeper turns to the applicant & says, "See that's how it's done, the next customer is yours if you make a sale the jobs yours.."
Customer walks in approaches him and says, "I would like a box of Tampax." bloke replies, "Would you like a lawnmower as well sir?" The man asks, "Why would i want a ****ing lawnmower?"
bloke says, "Well look at it this way sir your weekend is knackered, so you might as well cut the grass."
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stewarty
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Post by stewarty on Jun 5, 2014 20:47:15 GMT
A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside the Social Security Offices.
'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
since you’ve just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'
The man told the fairy: 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth,
so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --PING!!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!
'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives
who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.
PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway,
a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.
'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.
I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the English.'
PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Visa Gold Card?'
The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to sweet f*** all like the rest of us”.
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stewarty
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Post by stewarty on May 28, 2014 21:18:36 GMT
Only 2 days left to take advantage of the 30% discount !!!! I got mine  |
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stewarty
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Post by stewarty on May 15, 2014 22:26:42 GMT
A tenner on 7 weeks  |
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stewarty
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Post by stewarty on May 15, 2014 20:32:24 GMT
Best place is straight from T-Juice like dragon said If you order before 30th May you will get 30% off your order with the code ILOVEJUICE30 I still make it cheaper buying 30ml from redjuice.co.uk? Their delivery was fast too. I stand corrected lol ... Wonder how a reseller can sell it a pound cheaper and still make a profit ??? Pity they only sell 10ml bottles and no concentrates |
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stewarty
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Post by stewarty on May 15, 2014 20:03:17 GMT
were can one buy this red astaire from Best place is straight from T-Juice like dragon said If you order before 30th May you will get 30% off your order with the code ILOVEJUICE30 |
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stewarty
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Post by stewarty on May 14, 2014 17:22:12 GMT
dicky if you want to be able to mix some juice and use it straight away then go & buy yourself some of this concentrate: Vamp Vape from T-Juice - mix & use immediately - suggest 20% flavouring  Jack the Ripple from T-Juice - mix & use 2/3 days later - suggest 20% flavouring  Vamp Vape is a creamy caramel with hint of coconut Jack the Ripple is raspberry ripple Now, if they come out like cats p*ss  then you are somehow doing something wrong. There are probably some other T-Juice concentrates that you can use virtually straight away, but I don't know which ones, I only use these ones from there. Good luck  for you And if you order before 30th May you will get 30% off your order with the code ILOVEJUICE30 One voucher per customer so I stocked up on my fav's |
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stewarty
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Post by stewarty on May 13, 2014 18:02:59 GMT
Only just found this thread mate .... Really sorry to hear your sad news. I too have lost both my parents so know just how bad it feels right now but it must be even worse for you not having your siblings for support at this time. Your kids will need you more than ever now ronaldo but if you need adults to offload to there is a whole extended family on here who are more than happy to listen and help.... That's what makes this forum unique ... Plenty banter in the good times and willing to go the extra mile for each other when thing get tough !!! Stay strong mate Stewart |
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stewarty
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Post by stewarty on May 13, 2014 17:12:31 GMT
i will dump mine if you buy me one lol you heard it here teethcv will dump his huband for a provari  Must be how he likes 'Fruity' flavours  |
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then you are somehow doing something wrong.
for you
