Jokes - all very un pc!

[pixiguru]

Got these in an email today thought I'd share.
I have to admit - I've removed 2 very bad ones as I really don't want to offend anyone!
Also if you are easily offended may be best you don't read.


Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."
Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."


Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when You're drunk"  husband says "thats not true....... sometimes i want a kebab"


I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer or dinner once since the first beating.


A farmer gets a phone call from his son. I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive...shoot it says the farmer, and then bury it....about 20mins later he gets another call...done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike


Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Syria. They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.



The missus asked if she pleased me in bed? I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth." . . . "What trick?" she asked? 
"The one where you shut it up and go to sleep!"



My son was sent home from school for swearing today. 
I said what did you say? 
He said the c word.
I said it wasn't clever, was it?
He said no, it was c*nt.



A geordie and a Yank aid worker are helping out in japan after the tsunami Yank says, "You from round here, buddy?" "No," he replies, "Newcastle"
"What State's that in?" asks the Yank.
"Pretty much the same as this place!



An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and ecstacy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool. The locals are said to be in a state of shock........;They had no idea they had a job centre!



Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back , his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees, 
Apparently she'd stood him up



Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship... she replied "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"



A man approaches a young woman in a shop. he says I can't find my wife, can I talk to you for a few minutes? the woman says sure but do you have any idea where your wife is? 
Not a clue he says but whenever I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours she appears out of nowhere!



The Japanese government have thanked Britain for the rescue dogs they sent out . 
They said they were delicious!



My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger. 
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!! 

[Rybes]

hahahahahahahahahaha gunna steal some of these if thats ok

[pixiguru]

Go for it!

[skyjay]

Hope u dont mind if i sed these 2 my friend in Kos

[lfcpops]

my dad will love these!

[chrisjw]

Luv 'em pixi.............. ....Might have to C & P to fb.............

[Blownupdolly]

#icon_rofl# my kind of humour

[Deleted]

makes me want to read the offensive ones !

[comfrey]

Just LOVED the Stephen Hawking one lol

[pixiguru]

Jan 3, 2013 18:47:16 GMT @ashmal said:

makes me want to read the offensive ones !

I don't know ashmal they go down the skin colour route so I'm not happy to post them as they are deff not my opinion.

[Deleted]

Jan 3, 2013 18:50:42 GMT pixiguru said:

Jan 3, 2013 18:47:16 GMT @ashmal said:

makes me want to read the offensive ones !

I don't know ashmal they go down the skin colour route so I'm not happy to post them as they are deff not my opinion.

agreed - leave em out

[pixiguru]

Jan 3, 2013 18:48:34 GMT comfrey said:

Just LOVED the Stephen Hawking one lol

Is he even called hawking?? Is it not hawkins? Lol didn't notice the miss spell on the email.

[Ratfinkz]

Lol they all made me laugh!!! RE skin colour not being your opinion, I hope that doesn't mean the others are the Stephen hawkin one really made me laugh.

I'm going to share one now, but it's very rude...


Julie was complaining to her boss one day that she was being sexually harassed by a fellow worker. The boss took this very seriously and asked exactly what had happened. Julie replied
"He keeps telling me my hair smells nice"
"Well" replies the boss, "I'd just take that as a compliment I'm sure he doesn't mean anything by it. Why are you complaining of sexual harassment?"
To which Julie answers "well you see, the problem is, it's john"
"John?" Splutters the boss "you mean the dwarf?!!"

[pixiguru]

Jan 4, 2013 2:43:20 GMT Ratfinkz said:

Lol they all made me laugh!!! RE skin colour not being your opinion, I hope that doesn't mean the others are the Stephen hawkin one really made me laugh.

Wrongly worded there me thinks maybe cup of tea would be a better phrase? Or is that worse?? You know what I mean - Anyway I'll stop digging and shut up

[neschis4sd]

RULES OF THE AIRWAYS

Takeoff's are optional. Landings are mandatory.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Speed is life, altitude is life insurance. No one has ever collided with the sky.

The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man. Landing is the first!

Everyone knows a 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. But a 'great landing is one after which you can use the airplane again.

The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

Was that a landing or were we shot down?

Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.

Trust your captain.... but keep your seat belt securely fastened.

Be nice to your first officer, he may be your captain at your next airline.

Any attempt to stretch fuel is guaranteed to increase headwind.

A pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

There are old pilots, and there are bold pilots, but there are no old, bold, pilots!

Gravity never loses! The best you can hope for is a draw!

Gravity SUCKS!!