Jokes - all very un pc!

[hesta]

I was at the gym the other day, and when I was working out, I found a hole in my trainer. Curious, I stuck my finger in and wiggled it about.

Now I am banned from the gym and apparently she is pressing charges!

[Pacer]

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.

Andy, the class crawler, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Andy" says the teacher, "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says," My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbour is painting his house wid a two-inch brush and mi Dad says it will take the contagious."

[Pacer]

A guy is sitting in the bar in departures at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.


He leans across to her and says the Delta Airlines motto 'We love to fly and it shows'.


The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.


He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto 'Winning the hearts of the world'.


Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.


Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto 'Going beyond expectations'.


The woman looks at him sternly and says 'What the f*** do you want?'


'Ah!' he says, sitting back with a smile on his face. 'Ryanair'.

[Ron]

NORTHERNERS

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, 'Where have you been?'

God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?'

'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance.'

'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people.'

God continued, pointing to the different countries.

This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'

'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, 'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely, 'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South!

[Pacer]

A good Irish man, John O’Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness and having a contest as to who could make the best toast.

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said "Here’s to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife".
That won him the top prize for the toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night".
She said, "Aye, what was your toast ?"
John said, "Here’s to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife".
"Oh me that is very nice indeed John", Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John’s toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary".
She said, "Aye, and I was a bit surprised meself ! You know, he’s only been there twice ! Once he fell asleep and the other time, I had to pull him by the ears to make him come !"

[Pacer]

A ventriloquist visiting Australia walks into a small outback village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Aussie

"Hey, mind if I talk to your dog? "

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, stupid "

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate? "

Dog: "Doin' all right. "

Aussi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner? " (pointing at the
villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you? "

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and
takes me to the lake once a week to play. "

Aussi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse? "

Aussi: "Uh, the horse don't talk either. . . . I think. "

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going? "

Horse: "Cool"

Aussi: (absolutely dumbfounded, "as most Ozzys look)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner? " (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Aussi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep? "

Aussi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a liar. "

[dannyw14]

A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"Confused, the bartender says no."Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

[Pacer]

A girl is about to tie the knot, and she is watching her
mother bake biscuits in the kitchen. "Mom?" she asks.
"How do you keep Dad so happy after all these years of marriage?"
The mother promptly throws a wad of biscuit dough on the floor, hikes up her dress, and squats down, picking the dough up with her snatch. "Practice this and when you can do it, I'll guarantee that your man will be satisfied for the rest of his life," said her mother.

So the girl practiced and practiced until her wedding night. While her anxious husband waited for her in the bed, she emerged wearing a sexy negligee, carrying a can of biscuit dough. She opened the can, threw the dough on the floor,
lifted her negligee, and squatted over the dough, letting out a thunderous fart as she did so.

Her husband, startled, jumped from the bed and backed away. "What's wrong, honey?" she asked.

He replied, "Shit woman!" as he stepped further away. "If that thing barks like that for a biscuit, I sure as hell don't want to throw any meat at it!"

[DiscoDes]

Freddie Star

Jimmy Tarbuck

Rolf Harris

Jim Davidson

Stuart Hall


On the PLUS SIDE...............


The Christmas Panto at Strangeways is going to be GREAT this year!

[Pacer]

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest,
'Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month.'

The priest tells the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'.'

Soon, another man enters the confessional.
'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months.'

This time the priest asks,
'Who is this Fannie Green?'
'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replies

'Very well,' says the priest. 'Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'.

'The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon
when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church.
All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and
sits down in front of the Altar.

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly
spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks,

'Is that Fannie Green?'
The altar boy replies, ..............................
'No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes'

[OneDay]

May 9, 2013 13:58:20 GMT DiscoDes said:

Freddie Star

Jimmy Tarbuck

Rolf Harris

Jim Davidson

Stuart Hall


On the PLUS SIDE...............


The Christmas Panto at Strangeways is going to be GREAT this year!

Oh no it isn't

[X&Y]

May 9, 2013 14:02:59 GMT OneDay said:

May 9, 2013 13:58:20 GMT DiscoDes said:

Freddie Star

Jimmy Tarbuck

Rolf Harris

Jim Davidson

Stuart Hall


On the PLUS SIDE...............


The Christmas Panto at Strangeways is going to be GREAT this year!

Oh no it isn't

He's BEHIND you

[Moggy]

May 9, 2013 14:25:23 GMT X&Y said:

May 9, 2013 14:02:59 GMT OneDay said:

Oh no it isn't

He's BEHIND you

[shamreez]

A dog looks at its owner and thinks "You feed me, you give me water, you give me shelter. You must be a god!"

A cat looks at its owner and thinks "You feed me, you give me water, you give me shelter.
I must be a god!"

[Pacer]

Confucius say


Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired; man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"