Some jokes you may or may not understand
A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?" asks the dentist.
"Govan" she replies.
Did you hear about the lonely prisoner?
He was in his cell.
What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography?
Oor wullie.
Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.
After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be
wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate.
"Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.
Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq?
Coo eight.
Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.
A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a telephone box so he calls the operator who asks in a plumy voice:
"is there money in the box?"
"Naw, it's just me," he replies.
When getting ready to go out, a wee wifey says to her husband "Shug, do
you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?" And he says
"that's why I love you like a doo."
What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for it's holidays?
A skean doo.
How many Spanish guys does it take to change a light bulb?
Just Juan.
A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there
is a lace missing. "No", argues the assistant,
"look at that - it says Taiwan".
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: "Hey you get off of my cloud". And the
Aberdeen sheep farmer says: "Hey McLoud, get off of ma ewe".
Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.
While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked.
"What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?" "I'd put him off at
the next stop," he says. "Good, and what would you do if you couldn't
get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August."
Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives
make a negative -
"Aye right."
Oldies but goodies.
