Jokes - all very un pc!

[Ron]

Irish pickle factory



Mickey O'Flynn worked in an Irish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up.

He advised Mickey to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day he came home from work very early. His wife, Mary, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Mickey tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Mary gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"



Mickey replied, "I think she got fired, too."

[Pacer]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying in bed for a
few minutes the old man lets out a loud fart and says "one-nil."
His wife rolls over and asks, "What in the world was that?"
The old man says, "A goal. I'm ahead one-nil."
A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Goal! One all."
The old boy farts again. "Goal! I'm ahead 2-1."
Now starting to get into this the wife quickly farts again and says,
"Goal! 2 all."
The old man tries to fart again, but cannot. Trying desperately not
to be out-done by his wife, he gives it everything he has to get out
just one more fart.
He strains a little too hard and sh*ts the bed.
The wife asks, "Now what in the world was that?"
The old man replies, "Half-time, switch sides."

[Pacer]

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.
He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.
The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook
the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't
supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook
them.

When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the
preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the f*****G potatoes!"

[Ron]

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .”Bugger that” says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg!"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just on standby.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Luton and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkas saying that they wouldn’t feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the a--e in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a voicemail ya thick sod!"

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name was Bindair Dundat.

[djs]

Ron.

[Ron]

Subject: Malaysian Hospital Charts...OMG!...Doctors, what English !!!!



ACTUAL SENTENCES FOUND ON PATIENTS' HOSPITAL CHARTS:


1) She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.

2) Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3) On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4) The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5) The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6) Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7) Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8) The patient refused autopsy. (autopsy done on death bodies…)

9) The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10) Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11) Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days.

12) Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13) Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.


14) Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might
want to work her up.

15) She is numb from her toes down.

16) While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17) The skin was moist and dry.

18) Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19) Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20) Rectal examination revealed a normal sized thyroid (suppose to be prostrate..).

21) She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life,
until she got a divorce.

22) I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23) Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24) Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

25) The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26) The patient was to have a bowel resection.

However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.


27) Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28) The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29) Patient was seen in consultation by Dr Blank,

who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30) Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

31) Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[fiddles]

One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench having a gossip when this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed at them. The first lady had a stroke, as did the second, but the third one was too far away to reach.

[fiddles]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette vaping on a vamo with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking very frustrated. The egg mutters, to no one in particular,
"Well, I guess that answers that question!"

[fiddles]

Scientists have discovered that most women will at sometime contain inteligent DNA. Unfortunatley most of them spit it out.

[Gradof]

How manyFreudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.  One to change the actual lightbulb and the other to hold the penis.

I mean ladder.

[Ron]

Aussie Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank..
"Typical bloody sheep," he thought, "they've got no common sense,
"They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence."

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her somewhere near the middle of the dam.

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly
stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But neither was he ready for what he was soon to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly, "Come back here, you lousy bitch!"

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

[Ron]

I have never quite figured out
why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much.

I have never figured out the whole Mars & Venus thing.



I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

And,I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words

"I do"
One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up,
and she eventually says,"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."I said, "WHAT??"
So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dreads.She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing is going to happen that night, so I went to bed.

The very next day we went shopping at a big unnamed department store. I walked around while she tried on three very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take,so I told her to take all three of them.She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth £200.00 each to which I say OK And then we go to the Jewelry Dept. where she gets a set of matching earrings.
Let me tell you, she was so excited.She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck,but I don't think she cared.

I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she doesn't even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK.
She was almost sexually excited from all of this and you should have seen her face when she said,"I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out,"No, honey. I don't feel like buying all this stuff now."
You should have seen her face... it went completely blank. I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,"You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man."
I figure that I should be having sex again sometime during the Spring in 2035.

[Die5el]

The ginger haired secretary at work is expecting a baby boy to her black boyfriend we all had to pick a name and put it in a hat. I am now unemployed ... Apparently 'Terry the chocolate orange' was not an appropriate suggestion

[Ron]

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Feed him
2. Sleep with him
3. Leave him with peace
4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)
5. Don't bother him with his
movements
So whats so hard about that
?

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's really not too difficult but.... To make a
woman happy, a man only needs
to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a plumber
10. a mechanic
11. a carpenter
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
44. give her compliments
regularly
45. Go shopping with her
46. be honest
47. be very rich
48. not stress her out
49. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU
MUST ALSO:
50. give her lots of attention
51. give her lots of time,
especially time for herself
52. give her lots of space, never
worrying about where she goes.

BUT MOST OF ALL IT IS VERY
IMPORTANT
53. never forget
*birthdays
*anniversaries
*valentine
*arrangements she makes.

What are your thoughts about this folks!

[Ron]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini , Italy , went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:

"Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That is a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''