Jokes - all very un pc!

[shamreez]

For those who haven't heard, Washington State passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before....

[Ron]

Just saw a van with a bumper sticker saying: "I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal".

Put into perspective just how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.

[fiddles]

Jun 16, 2013 22:59:34 GMT Ron said:

Just saw a van with a bumper sticker saying: "I am a vet, therefore I drive like an animal".

Put into perspective just how many gynaecologists there are on the roads.

 made me laugh

[Deleted]

A Little Tip

Turn up the telly when the Ladies tennis is on.....

The neighbours will think your love life is Fantastic.

[Ron]

Dead Or Alive

An office exec was interviewing a blonde for an assistant position, and wanted to find out a little about her personality.
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?"

"I'd have to say the living one."

Get Away From My Deer

It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walked down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he found his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.

Jake asked her, "What are you up to?"

Alice smiled. "I'm going hunting with you!"

Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decided to take her along. Later they arrived at the hunting site. Jake set his wife safely up in the tree stand and told her, "If you see a deer, take careful aim and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot."

Jake walked away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes passed when he was startled as he heard an array of gunshots.

Quickly, Jake ran back. As Jake got closer to her stand, he heard Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"

Confused, Jake raced f! aster towards his screaming wife. And again he heard her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire!

Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake was surprised to see a guy standing there with his hands high in the air. The guy, obviously distraught, said, "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"

My Goldfish Died

Little Johnny was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Johhny?"

"Well, my goldfish died," replied Johnny tearfully, without looking up,"and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Johnny patted down the last heap of earth then replied... "That's because he's inside your cat!"

His First Exam

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.

The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Come on, nurse!!!... I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"

The Birds and the Bees

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

No Ears

There was this man who was in a horrible accident, and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the amputation of both of his ears. As a result of this "unusual" handicap, he was very self-conscious about his having no ears.

Because of the accident, he received a large sum of money from the insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he decided with all this money he had, he now had the means to own a business. So he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business.

He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them.

The first interview went really well. He really liked this guy. His last question for this first candidate was "Do you notice anything unusual about me?" The guy said, "Now that you mention it, you have no ears." The man got really ups! et and threw the guy out.

The second interview went even better than the first. This candidate was much better than the first. Again, to conclude the interview, the man asked the same question again, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy also noticed, "Yes, you have no ears." The man was really upset again, and threw this second candidate out.

Then he had the third interview. The third candidate was even better than the second, the best out of all of them. Almost certain that he wanted to hire this guy, the man once again asked, "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The guy replied "Yeah, I bet you are wearing contact lenses."

Surprised, the man then asked, "Wow! That's quite perceptive of you! How could you tell?"

The guy burst out laughing and said you can't wear glasses if you don't have any ears!

[Pacer]

NEVER LIE TO A SMART WOMAN

Man on phone: "Honey I've been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get d promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!"

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but looking good..

The wife welcomed him & asked if he caught many fish?

He said "Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn't u pack my blue silk pyjamas?"

You'll love the answer..!!














She says,

"I did.....They're in your fishing box "


.... Game over!!

[Deleted]

Jul 25, 2013 20:59:31 GMT Pacer said:

NEVER LIE TO A SMART WOMAN

Man on phone: "Honey I've been asked to go fishing in China with my boss for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get d promotion. So could you please pack enough clothes for a week, set out my rod & fishing box. We're leaving from office & I'll swing by the house to pick my things. Oh, Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas!"

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy, but being a good wife she did exactly as her husband said.

The following weekend he came home a little tired but looking good..

The wife welcomed him & asked if he caught many fish?

He said "Yes, Lots of Salmon, Blue gill & a few Swordfish. But why didn't u pack my blue silk pyjamas?"

You'll love the answer..!!














She says,

"I did.....They're in your fishing box "


.... Game over!!

  

[Pacer]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

[Pacer]

One Day A Rich man went London for Tour.. He Take a Rental Room in a 5 Star Hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed the wrong email address, and without realizing, he sent the mail to a widow who has just returned from her husband's funeral.

The widow decided to check her mail, expecting condolence messages from relatives and friends.

After reading the first message she fainted.

The son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read : "To my loving wife, i know you are surprised to hear from me, they have computers here and we are allowed to send mails to loved ones.

I have just checked in.

How are You and the kids, The place is really nice, but am lonely here.

I have made necessary arrangement for Your arrival tomorrow. Expecting you darling. I can't wait to see you!

[Saturnalia]

A man walks into a bar. As he sits at the bar he sees a beautiful young woman on the stool next to him, so he offers to buy her a drink as he is celebrating. The woman tells him she is celebrating too, as the barman comes over to take their order the man asks for a double whisky and - "what will you have, my lovely?"

"Orange juice for me, please" she says.

The barman goes to pour the drinks and the man asks the woman "An orange juice? I thought you were celebrating something?"

"Well" the woman says, "my husband and I have been trying for a baby for 5 years with no success, but today I went to the doctors and they told me I an pregnant!"

"Well done! Congratulations!" says the man, and they raise their glasses.

So then the woman asks the man what he is celebrating.

"I thought I was ruined" he said. "I was on the verge of losing everything. I'm a chicken farmer, and 6 months ago all my hens stopped laying. Not a single egg to be seen. But I got up this morning, and their nests are full of huge brown eggs!"

"Well done!" says the woman. "What did you do differently to get them laying eggs again?"

He replied "I realised that my pair of roosters are getting a bit old and tired, and probably weren't doing it for the girls any more. So I drove into town on market day and picked up a pair of frisky young cocks."

The woman smiled and said "what a coincidence!"

[Pacer]

Bloke gets pulled - officer goes to the car - " You are not wearing your seat belt Sir, that is a £60 fixed penalty fine"
Wife'y says " Told you to put your seat belt on"
Hubby turns to wife'y and says " Why don't you shut the **** up"
Officer..a bit taken aback..says " Does he always talk to you like that Madam"
Wife'y says " Only when he's been drinking officer"..........................

[griffon10]

[Ron]

I went to my doctor the other day about my obesity problem. He said "Don't eat anything fatty."

"What, like pizza, burgers, chips, that sort of stuff?"

"No, just don't eat anything, fatty."

[Deleted]

I heard a good one on Radio 4 about half an hour ago...

said by a man (wouldn't work if it was a woman)

"I used to feel I was a man in a woman's body....

....then I was born"

Class

[Ron]

I just found some funny comments about a colonoscopy procedure on the internet. I had one some months ago. One of the worse experience in my life.
It happens after my last hospitalisation, I was having the luck to win an appointment with a gastroenterologist for a colonoscopy. If you ever seen a diagram of the colon, it's a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through the Zimbabwe. They, of course, explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything they said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP MY ARSE!'

I left the hospital with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'Picolax,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. As a nurse, I already gave this cocktail a lot of time but when it's your turn, it's a very different feeling, believe me. We must never allow it to fall into the hands of our enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous and remembering all those time I had explain to a patient what is the procedure and trying to calm myself like I did so often with others, without any success. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. Even if I know damn well how to prepare it, I was reading the instruction over and over again to be sure I make it correctly. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day, it was just a good thing to have a good excuse to drink only ice cappuccino for a whole day. Then, in the evening, I took the Picolax. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, and then you fill it with water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole thing. This takes about an hour, because Picolax tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat piss and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. I was proud of myself to have hold it without vomiting the whole stuff all over the place. Those who know me, know that I take a full medications for not vomiting because I always have nausea and it was the reason why I was hospitalised. I was not able to stop vomiting, and it happens sadly, too often.
Anyway, for the first time I noticed that the instructions for Picolax, was clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you ‘may’ experience contact with the ground. For the first I was understanding why the patients I was giving it always disappear in the bathroom for hours.
Picolax is a powerful nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the Picolax experience, with you as the shuttle.
You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of Picolax, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start crapping food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I was ready to go to bed. I was thinking to go at the pharmacy with large sunglasses and a cap, doing my best to be incognito and buy some adult diaper but I was not trusting my intestines enough to take the car and leave the bathroom for more than 15 minutes.

The next morning my father drove me to the hospital. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of Picolax spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on the doc?' How do you apologize to someone for something like that? Flowers simply would not be enough.
Once there, I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the **** the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their Picolax. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too drunk to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn down your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where the staffs was waiting. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew the doctor had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Eddie had me roll over on my left side, and the doctor began hooking some drugs up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Ballroom Blitz' by Sweet. I remarked to the doctor that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Ballroom Blitz' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Eddie, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for my whole life. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like : I have no idea. Really.
I sleep the whole time.
I never knew that this drugs cocktail would be so powerful on me. One moment, Sweet were yelling 'it turned into a Ballroom Blitz', and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. The doctor was looking down at me and asking me how I felt.
I felt excellent.
I felt even more excellent when the doctor told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed the exam. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous... I found it on the Internet, a physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all.

12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'