Jokes - all very un pc!

[Pacer]

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!”

She responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too.”

[Pacer]

Woman: “I can make the boss
give me the day
off.”
Man: “And how would you do
that?”
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She
then hangs
upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss comes in: “What are you
doing?”
Woman: “I’m a light bulb.”
Boss: “You’ve been working so
much that you’ve
gone crazy. I think you need to
take the day
off.”
The man starts to follow her and
the boss says:
“Where are you going?”
The man says: “I’m going home,
too. I can’t
work in the dark.”

[Balllsy]

Sept 2, 2013 20:23:50 GMT Pacer said:

Woman: “I can make the boss
give me the day
off.”
Man: “And how would you do
that?”
Woman: “Just wait and see.” She
then hangs
upside-down from the ceiling.
Boss comes in: “What are you
doing?”
Woman: “I’m a light bulb.”
Boss: “You’ve been working so
much that you’ve
gone crazy. I think you need to
take the day
off.”
The man starts to follow her and
the boss says:
“Where are you going?”
The man says: “I’m going home,
too. I can’t
work in the dark.”

Absolutely brilliant mate !!

[Ron]

Just a friendly reminder that tomorrow is National Orgasm Day



Across the nation,
many special events will be happening in recognition of this special holiday.



Are you coming?

[jordan]

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took

her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the ******* bricks on time.'

[Bluefish]

Haha brilliant jordan

[Deleted]

plus 1 jordan

[jordan]

I can't take credit it was found in one of those stupid chain emails.......Oh what the hell I will take creadt. *takes a bow*

[Pacer]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[ruthenburg]

haha. Can't stop from laughing - reposting done and don't argue for copyright claims! It's your fault because of your sense of humor. xD

[Pacer]

A man at work calls home and his 8 years old daughter picks the phone:

“Hi honey,this is daddy.Is mommy near the phone?”

“No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” The little girl quipped.

“After a brief pause daddy says,“But honey you haven’t got an uncle Paul!”

“Oh yes I do,and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now.”

Brief pause,“Uh okay then,this is what I want you to do:put the phone down on the table,run upstairs,knock on the bedroom door,and shout to mommy that daddy’s car has just arrived at the gate.”

“Ok daddy just a minute....”

A while later the little girl comes back to the phone, “Done it daddy.

”"What happened honey?”

“Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of the bed naked,ran round the room screaming,tripped over,and knocked her head on the staircase,now she is not moving at all.”

“What about Uncle Paul?” asked Dad. He jumped out the window into the swimming pool,but I guess he didn’t know you emptied the water last week. He hit the bottom and I think he’s dead.”

After a really long pause this time... Daddy says,“Swimming pool,but we don't have a swimming pool! Is this 486-5731?”

“No,this is 486-5713” “Sorry wrong number....!!!!”

[Pacer]

[BAzz]

I have multiple personality disorder. Sometimes I think I'm a poet, other times I think I'm a Nazi war criminal.

Honestly, I don't know if I'm cummings or Goering.

[Ron]

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

[Ron]

Who would you be?

Chuck Norris, Arnold Swartzenagger, and Jean Claud VanDam, were talking one day. Chuck Norris asked, "If you were a musician, who would you be?".

Chuck Norris said, "I would be Motzart." Jean Claud VanDam said, "I would be Bethoven." Arnold said, "I'll be Bach