teethcv?
Oh, TeethCV? Yoohoo!
Where are you, old chap?
Are you all right?
Have you fallen and can’t get up?
Have you experienced a major myocardial infarction and are currently lying n a hospital bed, bristling with wires and tubes?
Are you being sought by the Russian mafia and are now in a witness protection program, selling haberdashery door-to-door in Nebraska?
Have you been tied to the railway-tracks by a dastardly top-hatted, black cloaked, moustache-twirling villain?
Have you been abducted by aliens and are being subjected to vigorous anal probing?
Any one of these scenarios, although calamitous to yourself, would adequately explain why, after paying you £20 by Paypal on January 29th, I have not received the concentrates you were selling in the classifieds, here -
allaboute-cigarettes.proboards.com/thread/61249/alot-flavour-apprentice-flavours-sale?page=1&scrollTo=1056063.
True, after an enquiring PM on February 4th, you replied - and I paraphrase - that someone had died at work and you were consequently working 18 hour days, but you were sorry and would be sure to post the package the next day, Honest, guv.
Death, duty, contrition, conciliation. All good stuff, and overall, a most satisfactory reason for tardiness, so had the concentrates then duly arrived, all would have been well. They did not, however, and to date there has been no reply to my subsequent PMs of escalating peevishness.
Have there been further fatalities at your workplace, requiring you to work 24 hours a day? Have your tyrannical employers gone even further and sold you into white-slavery, like a wretched Latvian girl, and are you now forced to orally service jaded dead-eyed punters in a seedy back-street massage-parlour?
It is at this point, exactly one month on from the transaction, that a more suspicious and belligerent chap than myself would perhaps start howling intemperate epithets, such as ‘you swindling gobshite!’ or ‘where’s my stuff, you rancid scumbucket?!’ or ‘give me my money back, you grubby low-down scamming tosspot!’, and he would shake his fist at the heavens, summoning the mighty and righteous wind of karma to blow your entrails out through your bumhole.
But not me. No, I am not that chap. Firstly, because uncouth invective is impolite, and secondly, because I have more faith in my fellow man. I believe you are a good, decent man, prevented from doing the right thing by the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. You are not an immoral git, nor a dishonest barely-sentient bottom-feeding fraud, nor a pilfering duplicitous jerk. You do not, I am confident, indulge in the underhanded perfidious twattery of the unprincipled bounder, nor do you wallow in the reeking quagmire of your own putrid unscrupulousness. You are not lower than a snake’s sphincter, neither are you a festering boil on the perineum of society, nor a mendacious hornswoggling fibber. You are not an evolutionary throwback who has just crawled out of the primordial ooze. If I heard anyone call you a blatant knuckle-dragging light-fingered conniving little shit, I would admonish them with a stern frown and loud tut.
To sum up, then, you are not, I am sure, an utter frontbottom.
TeethCV, like Brutus, is an honourable man.
And because you are such a paragon of virtue, I am sure that as you undergo your present troubles and suffer the terrible vicissitudes of cruel, uncaring fate, you bravely bear the pain, terror and anguish, but are haunted by one thought - ‘O, how am I to post Oliver B’s stuff or refund his twenty quid? What must he think of me?’
Well, fear not, gentle friend. You just concentrate on surviving your plight. I will write off the £20. Yes! Write it off! Because I am magnanimous, because I care deeply for my fellow humans, and because it appears I have no bleeding choice. Look upon it as a donation to the TeethCV Improvement Fund. Buy yourself something pretty. Put it towards something that will enhance your reputation as a suave, sophisticated man-about-town as you stroll the elegant boulevards of Leicester: a splendid pair of spats, or a lovely red silk cummerbund, or a natty top-hat, or some Listerine.
I hope you soon return to the forum, where it will be my pleasure to repeatedly point out what a fine fellow you are.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the weasels.
Proceed in peace, TeethCV, with blessings, hugs and tummy-rubs.
Best wishes,
Oliver B
TL;DR: TeethCV = £20 up; Oliver B = £20 down.
