The Humourous Thread

[jerryrm]

We guys are easily entertained, Scyl !!!

[magicma]

Now, don't try to get out of it Scyll - where does your expertise come from?? MM

[Scylla]

I have experience of too many splattering man-kids to name 'n shame them all

Which shames me, of course

scylla

[bluecow1980]

[classwife]

Awww blue...that was cute !

[Scylla]

Not exactly "humour" more "skill" - and I'm still trying to believe there's no trick photography:

file.qip.ru/embed/111226964/dfc05946

scylla

[jerryrm]

The older we get....

ONE


Recently, when
I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you
could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken
McNuggets .

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.


'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I
replied.

'We only have six, nine, or
twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a
half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'


'That's right.'

So I shook my head and
ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but
sadly true...)



TWO


I was checking
out at the local Walmart with just a few items
and the lady behind me put her things on the
belt close to mine. I picked up one of those
'dividers' that they keep by the cash register
and placed it between our things so they
wouldn't get mixed.

After the girl had
scanned all of my items, she picked up the
'divider', looking it all over for the bar code
so she could scan it.

Not finding the bar
code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this
is?'

I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I
don't think I'll buy that today.'

She said
'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left.


She had no clue to what had just happened.




THREE


A woman at work was seen
putting a credit card into her floppy drive and
pulling it out very quickly.

When I inquired
as to what she was doing, she said she was
shopping on the Internet and they kept asking
for a credit card number, so she was using the
ATM 'thingy.'

(keep
shuddering!!)


FOUR

I recently saw a
distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
'Do you need some help?' I asked.

She
replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the
battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I
can't get into my car. Do you think they
(pointing to a distant convenience store) would
have a battery to fit this?'

'Hmmm, I don't
know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.


'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me. As I
took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'


PLEASE just lay
down before you hurt yourself !!!


FIVE

Several years ago,
we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and
said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I
do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the
secretary told her. With that, the intern took
her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it
on the photocopier and proceeded to make five
'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the
way!!


SIX


A mother calls 911 very
worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to
take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had
eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the
kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the
mother says, 'I just gave him some ant
killer......'

Dispatcher : 'Rush him in to
emergency!'

[Katfish]

Jerry, that is funny and sad !

Husband: "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, Here lies my wife,cold as ever"

Wife:"Yeah, yours will read, Here lies my husband. Stiff at last!"

[bluecow1980]

[Katfish]

Great to see the education system still works

[vereybowring]

Old Joke followed by a stunning film. (Apologies in advance to anyone of a religious persuation but it is very old).

God creates the Commandments.

Have to give these to some people thinks god.
Now god can be anywhere in space and time but has to decide where to go.
He travels to ancient persia.
"Oy ! High priest" says god.
"Yes mighty one." replies the high priest.
"I have these commandments for you to live your life by."
"I am not certain mighty lord, can we have an example ?"
"Thou shalt not kill."
"No way, we love war !"

God is a bit annoyed, but travels again.


New rome, they've had my son - bound to like these, he thinks.
"Oy Pope !"
"Yes Lord"
"I have these commandments for you to live your life by."
"Really, we weren't really asking but give me an example."
"Thou shalt not commit adultery."
"No deal, give up orgies - I mean come on."

God is getting really upset, I know he thinks I'll go see the first people - the chosen ones.



So god goes off to see the hebrews.

"Oy Rabbi !"
"Yes Jehova"
"I have these commandments for you to live your life by."
"Hmm, we like rules but explain what you mean."
"I have examples, Thou shalt not Kill."
"Sounds good, killing is a waste, do go on."
"Thou shalt not commit adultery ?"
"Yeuch ! Completely agree with that . . . . God ?"
"Yes Rabbi ?"
"How much do they cost ?"
"They're free"
"We'll take ten !"

Corny I know, but in fairness I was told it by a rabbi.

And now a short film.

[Scylla]

Owwwccchhhh

scylla

[shamreez]

[Scylla]

PMSL, thanks for that Sham

scylla x

[shamreez]

A dying man smells his favorite oatmeal raisin cookies cooking downstairs.
It takes all the strength he has left but he gets up from the bed and crawls down the stairs.
He sees the cookies cooling on the counter and staggers over to them.
As he reaches for one, his wife's wrinkled hand reaches out, smacks his and she yells:

"No, you can't have those! They're for the funeral! "