Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 18, 2020 21:55:49 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 18, 2020 13:49:27 GMT
Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
If you do not laugh at this, then you are seriously depressed,
make a doctor's appointment.
I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 17, 2020 14:01:05 GMT
Remove if not allowed
The Pfeffel Flustering Philandering Fool Johnson visited a remote little rural village in Cornwall and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the village spokesman. “First, we have a hospital but NO doctor.”
"de Pfeffel whipped out his mobile phone, spoke for a while and then said, “I have sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”
“We have NO mobile phone reception at all in our village.”
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 15, 2020 11:54:46 GMT
Paddy was on his death bed and knew the end was near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast . He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak: "My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra." "My daughter Geraldine , you take the apartments over in Malone Road." "My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre." "Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, "Mrs. O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..
"Property?”, his wife replies. “The bastard had a window cleaning round."
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 14, 2020 22:30:31 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 12, 2020 23:50:22 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 12, 2020 9:50:50 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 10, 2020 23:53:15 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 9, 2020 22:59:48 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 4, 2020 21:34:04 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 3, 2020 9:02:36 GMT
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Aug 2, 2020 19:11:44 GMT
I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law the other night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPod.'
.. . . .
I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew what hit it.
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Jul 31, 2020 15:11:09 GMT
This is not sign language but you should be able to read this
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Jul 27, 2020 20:36:13 GMT
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Ron
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Post by Ron on Jul 26, 2020 22:35:58 GMT
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